Oct 28th: Return to Halloweentown (2006): ☆

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah-

This movie was a vague, boring memory in the back of my mind so horrible that I couldn’t remember anything that happened in this film until after I watched it happen again. Pffffffttttttt BAD! IT’S BAD! Sara Paxton as Marnie is WEIRD and BAD (sorry, Sara Paxton, because it’s really not your fault) and too many old, beloved characters, like Aggie and Sophie, either barely appear or don’t appear at all (as I said before, Emily Roeske started moving away from acting, but maybe the void wouldn’t have been so GREAT if this movie never EXISTED.

Directed by David Jackson and streaming on Disney+. Let’s get to the scathe, then.

I’m–I’m so tired after watching this movie. There were so many things that didn’t make sense that I ended up having to take notes because the plot was just falling out of my brain. Okay. Let’s start with what I liked:

It was about Halloween.

That’s it, folks! This film felt like it wanted to be Harry Potter, but it was Harry Potter caught in a rainstorm and smothered in sewage. We’ve got Judith Hoag, Joey Zimmerman, Lukas Grabeel, and Debbie Reynolds reprising their roles, although Reynolds only gets a couple minutes on screen as Aggie. Marnie is, of course, replaced. There are a few new additions, like Marnie’s RA Aneesa (Summer Bishil), who is a friendly geenie, and Kristy Wu as the evil fellow-student Scarlett, who is helping her father, Silas (Keone Young) and the rest of the Dominion–a group of witches and warlocks who want to enslave all of H-town–to try and get a precious Cromwell amulet that is hidden under campus. Oh, and the ancient, ten-centuries-ago queen of H-town who hid the amulet? That was Splendora “Agatha” Cromwell, and she looks exactly like fake-Marnie. SNORE. To save time, I’ll just make a list of all the ridiculous stuff I found while watching this movie.

  • first off, why even make the movie if you choose to recast the lead? Not cool.
  • and why did Dylan just so happen to skip a grad AND get accepted to Witch University so quickly?? It took, like, mere days for him to apply and get accepted so that he could go with Marnie to keep an eye on her (he does a terrible job)
  • What happened to Luke the goblin? What happened to Marnie’s boyfriend from the previous film, Cody?
  • AND speaking of the last film, if humans and H-town folk are mingling, why is Marnie so loathe to go to school in the human world? I mean, there are monsters everywhere now, right?
  • why are the spells suddenly in Latin? they were totally in Welsh and English before, but now they are in Latin; another forceful attempt to mimic Harry Potter, I see.
  • so, the campus is hexed to make all spells permanent if still in use on Halloween night, apparently in an attempt to discourage spell use–but WHY?? that seems so dangerous, so why do it? (unless it was all a ploy, but that isn’t explained)
  • this whole interaction between Marnie and Ethan in the laundry room:
    • Marnie: “Why don’t you use your magic?”
    • Ethan: “What magic would that be?”
    • Marnie, with a smirk: “You know.”
    • Ethan, awkward smile: “We’re not talking about laundry anymore, are we?”
    • WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT, THEN?????????????
  • this Marnie apparently lost her common sense at some point because she takes numerous risks and now apparently hates her mother
  • earlier in the film, one of Marnie’s professors says that Witch U was built on the ruins of Cromwell Castle; there’s even a dark, magical hole in the ground filled with Cromwell artifacts, where the heirloom box comes from. Why, then, is Marnie’s dorm room the same as her grandma’s bedroom from Cromwell Castle? shouldn’t the room be…ruined?
  • Young Aggie doesn’t seem very fun; very OOC, 10/10 would not recommend
  • Why did Marnie open the box…? Why did she dangle the amulet in front of her enemy??
  • WHY DIDN’T MARNIE DESTROY THE AMULET????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! why….

And that’s that, folks. I can’t wait for this movie to lurk back into the recesses of my mind. I hope I forget every detail when I wake up in the morning.

Three days ’til Halloween!

Abigail

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